The Difference Between Thoughts and Wants
by SpanishLullabies
Summary: He wonders when she’s done, with a pang that surprises him, if he’s one of the things she thought she wanted.


Disclaimer - Don't own.

Jenny x Nate - AU

_**The Difference Between Thoughts and Wants**_

* * *

It wasn't exactly the place he'd thought he'd see Jenny Humphrey again.

If he'd ever been inclined to picture seeing the petite blonde again, Nate Archibald had imagined various scenarios. All at different places around New York and all complete with Jenny quietly apologizing in the sweet way he knew she could and him accepting the apology with an inclination of his head before offering her a chance to repair their friendship.

He never expected he'd come face to face with the blonde in the living room of her new home. Nor had he expected the tentative smile of welcome on a face freshly scrubbed and the quiet offer of a drink. He'd accepted the offer of a drink and then – because he knew she would – he rose from where he'd been waiting to see Serena and followed her into the kitchen, knowing that it would never occur to her to ask the maid to bring them drinks.

"It's good to see you." She smiles at him from next to the state of the art refrigerator.

"It's nice to see you too." He doesn't quite smile but she seems to accept it.

As she turns to scour the refrigerator, he studies her quietly.

She's let her hair grow out again and it has returned to the natural blonde that he'd always liked better than the brighter blonde. She wasn't dressed in her own creations, he notes with a tinge of surprise, instead she's wearing a pair of old jeans and a white tank top, both are probably one in a number of mass produced products. He remembers the freshly scrubbed face and the lack of make-up on it. He compares it to the pale complexion and ton of eyeliner she'd been wearing last time he'd seen her.

He decides he prefers the lack of make-up and the label less jeans and shirt. The innocence in them is what drew him to her in the first place, after all.

She turns around after he's decided this, asking him if a banana smoothie is okay with him. She feels like making it. He nods, deciding that his first decision was right. He likes it.

He watches her for a moment. Smiling when she swears because she can't find the blender and then cursing brothers who don't put things back where they belong. She finds the blender and he settles back to watch her make the drink, feeling decidedly comfortable though he knows it's probable he shouldn't.

"So, Nate, tell me what you've been up to."

So he does. Its only generics, really. Things that he tells everyone despite this, he enjoys telling her the stories. He finds its still fun talking to her, even though he knows that his last words to her are still hanging in the air between them. She laughs at all the right moments and tells him some of the goings on that's happening in her world.

As he tells the stories he notices something he hadn't quite believed.

She's different.

Not different like the last time when he'd discovered how childish she actually was but different in that she seems to have grown up a little. He doesn't hear her mention the popular girls or her place among them when she tells him about her life. He hears about her teachers and how horrible her chemistry teacher is, how badly she knows she's going to go on the quiz on Thursday because she has no idea why World War One started (it is, after all, more complex than she thought).

He hadn't believed Blair when she'd slyly slipped into conversation a week ago that, apparently, Jenny Humphrey had abandoned social climbing for doing well at school. He'd thought it was the brunette's way of stirring him up. Blair knew he considered Jenny Humphrey a loose end, so to speak. A chapter in his life he hadn't really completed and because she knew that, she liked to stir him about it.

So, to test her and Blair's theory, he accepts the glass of thick liquid she offers him and, after tasting it, interrupts her explanation of why she's more than sure she's going to fail this test.

"You're different. When did it happen?"

She pauses at the blunt statement and flat question. For a second, he's positive that she's not going to answer him and instead is going to smirk and tell him that he's wrong.

Then she sighs.

"At the Snowflake Ball." He blinks at the quiet words. "What you said, well it hurt but it also made me realize a few things." She stops, as if considering whether or not to go on.

"Like?" He prompts, unable to help himself.

She smiles at that, a little sadly. "Like how there's a huge difference between what you think you want and what you actually want. I thought I wanted to be Blair and older and more sophisticated. I thought that I wanted my own clothing label at fifteen and I thought I wanted my dad to stop treating me like a baby. Turns out, I was wrong."

"So?" He asks.

She laughs a little at the look he gives her. "So, I realized that I didn't want to be like Blair, I wanted to be the Jenny Humphrey of old. I realized that I didn't really want a clothing label at fifteen but I did want one at twenty-five. I realized that I never, ever want my dad to stop treating me like a baby. I realized that all the things I thought I wanted weren't really what I wanted."

He wonders when she's done, with a pang that surprises him, if he's one of the things she thought she wanted. Even though he wonders it he knows he'll finish his drink, thank her politely and go on his way knowing that he should ask in order to close the Jenny Humphrey chapter of his life.

But because he's Nate Archibald and he's already used up his one blunt question quota for the day, he does finish his drink in total silence before thanking her and heading out of the kitchen, deciding if Serena hasn't come down in the minutes he'd been with Jenny then she can damn well find her own way to the dinner.

"Nate?"

Her quiet voice stops him in the doorway of the kitchen and he turns his head to look at her.

She's watching him with a somber expression, one he doesn't quite recognize but doesn't quite like on the innocent face framed by the burnt honey locks.

"Yeah?"

She looks away from him for a second, setting down her glass and wringing her hands together.

"You were never something I thought I wanted."

He turns and leaves without commenting.

---

The next time he sees Jenny Humphrey, she's out with Erik, giggling as they stroll down the street towards a small coffee shop on the corner.

He contemplates ducking into the store he's standing in front of when he spots them. Because the words she'd spoken to him still rung in his ears and he'd returned to brooding, according to an amused Chuck.

For a moment, he honestly thinks he really is going to duck into the home ware store until he's absolutely sure they won't spot him or see him.

Instead, he straightens his shoulders and meets them head on.

"Hey Nate." She speaks softly, despite being on a crowded street.

"Hey Jenny." He smiles at her. Then he remembers Erik. "Hey Erik."

"Nate." Nate doesn't know the younger boy all that well and he supposes that Jenny told him all about how he hurt her, so he's not too surprised at the cold greeting.

"So, did you pass that quiz?" It's the only thing he can think of to say and she gives him a disbelieving look that say she can't quite believe he said it.

It only lasts for a second before she answers. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, I did actually."

Her eyes are downcast and he knows that she's not thinking about the quiz. He knows she's thinking about what she said to him in the kitchen and how he didn't respond. He knows that she hadn't expected him to respond but she'd still been hurt by the way he had left.

It had been, after all, her way of apologizing without saying the actually words.

"That's good."

All three stand in silence for a few seconds. Erik studying the people that bustled passed the three of them. Jenny studying the hard concrete with concentration and Nate studying the top of the blonde head, pleased to see the headband but unsure if he really wanted to tell her what he'd figure he needed too the other week.

"Jenny," he said quietly and her head snapped up to meet his eyes. "You're something I shouldn't want but want anyway."

"Nate - "

Erik stops her before she says anything else and Nate doesn't know whether the younger boy is glaring at him because of what he has said or because he has said it in the present tense.

If it's because of what he said then Nate can handle the younger boy. But if it's because he said it and made it the present tense then Nate doesn't know what he'll say.

He didn't mean to let her know that some part of him, a large part seemingly, still wants her after what he found out the other week.

But as he watches her walk away with Erik whispering in her ear, Nate wonders why he let her know that her chapter in his life was still open.

---

He hears from her again before he sees her and hearing her teary voice on the other line sends him into panic before she tells him its okay. She's just home alone and wishes she wasn't.

He doesn't think when he tells her he'll be there in thirty minutes. He just knows that by the time he's standing at her door it's the first time he's been able to pull the knight-in-shining Armani act since the ball.

He wants to regret it instantly but finds he can't when she opens the door and he meets her sad gaze.

"I brought pizza." He offers trying not to sound foolish but managing to make her smile anyway.

She opens the door wider and he steps in.

She hugs him tightly before he can think about what she's doing.

His mind flashes to when he'd held the small, lithe body against his own on a wet New York street and the way she'd fallen into him with abandon before returning to the present and the girl who is holding him, seeking comfort.

"Hey. It's just pizza." He says lightly when he hears her sniffle. He's rewarded with her giggle and he smiles at it.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" She asks pulling back.

"Sure. Nothing to depressing though."

She rolls her eyes at him and they head into the TV room where they set themselves up to watch 'Sabrina'. As the movie starts she tells him that her dad and new stepmother have gone away for the weekend, Erik's at a friends and she's not too sure where Serena and Dan are but she knows they aren't coming home just to spend time with her.

She says it a little sadly and it's not hard to see she feels abandoned. So he does what feels natural to him, he pulls her close to his side and lets her nestle there as they listen to the cultured voice of Audrey Hepburn introduce the story.

He's not too sure when she falls asleep with her head on his lap. He thinks it's around the time Humphrey Bogart is wooing Audrey Hepburn and William Holden interrupts the would-be lovers but he can't be sure.

He stops paying attention to the movie when she falls asleep; instead he concentrates on running his fingers through the golden hair spread across his lap and wonders what it would be like to play with the golden locks whenever he feels like it.

He wants to believe it's a dangerous thought because it ties in with the thought he's had of having a real relationship with Jenny. Not just a few random kisses and a letter that gets lost in translation. But a real relationship where he takes her out to dinner and then talks to her for three hours afterwards, where he surprises her with flowers one day but forgets an anniversary the next. A relationship where he can sit watching old movies with her head on his lap and his fingers playing with her hair and not need an explanation as to why they're doing it.

He knows that a relationship between him and Jenny would have been improbable after that first kiss, now at least. It would have become a mess of tangled lines all never quite separating because he would have opposed her social climbing behavior and she would have constantly fought guilt at being with him because of Vanessa.

But now it's different.

It's different because she's different and he's different and they both know that each other is what they want and that is the best place to start from, Nate realizes. Genuinely wanting to be with someone is the best place to start from.

So when she wakes up in time to see Humphrey Bogart and Audrey Hepburn hug on board a boat headed for Paris, he doesn't remove his fingers from where they've been stroking her hair and meets her sleepy gaze gently.

He watches and waits for her to realize exactly what's happening and is rewarded with a blush that seems to make her more innocent and more adorable than she was before.

"I'm so sorry, Nate. I didn't mean to fall asleep." She says emphatically and a little embarrassedly as she pushes herself up.

"It's cool. You missed most of the movie."

He doesn't tell her that he's missed most of the movie because he's been watching her sleep. He thinks it would be creepy rather than romantic to tell her something like that.

"It's late. You should probably go." She says the words reluctantly and he wonders if he should offer to stay and then decides against it.

He follows her to the door with a nod of his head and stands there as she wraps her arms around herself.

"Thanks for coming tonight."

"It's cool. It was fun."

She snorts. "I'm sure me falling asleep was _very _entertaining."

"Well, when you put it like that…but hey, it was better than getting caught in drama between Chuck and Blair." He consoles and she nods.

It's a split second decision, made because she was standing there sleepy and adorable wrapped in a wool jumper that's too big for her and he just can't help himself.

He cradles her cheek in the palm of his hand and lowers his lips to hers in a split second decision he knows he won't ever regret because kissing her is like kissing someone new and exciting but still warm and comfortable and it's a combination that's thrilling and wonderful all at the same time.

When she pulls away, she still holds him close, her small hand clutching a fistful of his shirt and her forehead pressed tightly to his.

"Nate, I'm so glad you want what I really want." She whispers.

He doesn't answer but kisses her again.

---

He doesn't tell anyone, and neither does she, at first. He's not sure their burgeoning relationship would survive the perils of the Upper East Side again.

Telling her father, though, was taken out of his hands when Lily and Rufus walked into the kitchen to find him nuzzling her neck from behind while she giggled and tried to make a sandwich.

It wasn't as bad as he thought it would be but he has a feeling that he can thank Lily for that. Lily had smiled at the two of them and said it was nice to see them happy before dragging a shell shocked Rufus out of the kitchen with her.

Despite this, he tells Jenny after she is to under no circumstance leave him alone with her father in the near future.

It's Gossip Girl that fills everyone in on the new relationship. Nate sees it and thinks, for Gossip Girl at least, that the message is a little better than he thought it would be. Less mocking and more genuine at least.

But Jenny is upset and he knows it when he sees her minutes after the text's gone round.

He's not sure why she's upset but gains some understanding when she buries her face in his chest and mutters something about Vanessa and Dan not understanding because she hasn't told them yet.

He wants to soothe her but doesn't know what to say as unpleasant memories resurface of the time before they were ready for a relationship.

He ends up telling her that they'll tell the two together or die trying to explain.

He says it with a touch of drama, hoping to get a laugh out of his cheerful, innocently wise girlfriend. All he gets is wet eyes and a quivery 'Really?' that makes him hold her a bit tighter.

They come across Dan and Vanessa sooner than either planned. Serena is home too and she comes down to keep an eye on the proceedings, though her support is clearly for the new couple which she makes clear because Nate is one of her oldest friends.

"Vanessa," Nate hears his girlfriend start and is suddenly worried she's going to abandon him in a room full of people again chasing after the girl because of their friendship.

"We're sorry we didn't tell you both." He suddenly says, interrupting his girlfriend and bringing the attention on himself. "But we're not sorry that we're together." He wonders, briefly, if Jenny has a problem with him speaking for the two of them then decides that it's not the time to worry if his girlfriend has a stubborn independent streak.

"Yeah. I'm sorry that you both had to find out from Gossip Girl but, well, I'm not sorry that I'm with Nate." Jenny's looking directly at Vanessa as she speaks and Nate wonders if he should say anything like that to Dan who, like his father, looks a little shell shocked.

"We don't want drama and we don't want to fight with you guys," he says softly. "We just want to be together." Jenny nods in agreement and he hopes that it's enough to stop any accusations from the two standing in front of them.

"Okay." Vanessa's the first one to speak and the first one to leave. He doesn't pretend to not see the hurt in her eyes but he doesn't feel as guilty about it as he thought he would.

Dan doesn't say anything. He simply storms from the room obviously upset and feeling overprotective.

He holds Jenny when she begins to tremble the minute the two have left the room. Serena's still in the room and he meets her eyes over Jenny's head as she stands up and walks over to them.

"It could have been worse. Vanessa could have screamed and Dan could have knocked Nate out." Serena points out not somberly but with a twinkle in her eye that belies her feelings towards the couple. "Now, I have to go and meet Blair because she's heard the news and it's annoyed her for some reason."

He smiles at her as she prances out of the room, his arms till tightly wrapped around his girlfriend even though she's stopped trembling. He kisses the top of her head, relishing the fact that it's an intimacy he couldn't have had with any of his other girlfriends but has with her and eases back.

"Jenny, I know it's hard but you're still what I really want."

She doesn't reply but hugs him a little tighter.

---

He sees the inside of Jenny's room for the first time on a night when everyone else is out and rain pours down in a torrent that has kept them indoors.

He's lying on her bed, his hand behind his head and his girlfriend curled up against him, her blonde curls spilling over his chest as she sleeps.

He's been awake for hours, his mind contemplating the unbelievable knowledge that he had made love to Jenny Humphrey for the first time and that he is, beyond doubt, in love with petite blonde that trusts him so much.

It's a revelation he once thought he wouldn't be able to handle.

After all, when has he really been in love? He hadn't ever been in love with Blair; their relationship had been what he now recognized as duty and safety. And he certainly hadn't been in love with Serena; he knew unadulterated lust when he felt it. He hadn't loved Vanessa either.

So he had assumed that when he fell in love for real, it was going to be a terrifying feeling he dealt with by doing nothing.

Instead, it's not as terrifying as he thought. It's like slipping into a warm bath and staying there a while. It's warm and comforting and he can't decide whether it's that way because it's the first time he knows he's actually in love or because he's in love with the beautiful girl curled up beside him who accepts him for who _he_ is and not who everyone expects him to be.

He smiles a little when he feels her shift in her sleep. She presses closer to him and he relishes in the fact that _this_, lying in bed with her, holding her tightly, feels so natural and so right.

He relishes the fact that lying in bed with her feels so _real_. It's not an Upper East Side illusion and what he feels isn't something he thinks he should feel and it makes him so _happy_.

So when she wakes up. Her face tilts to meet his bright blue gaze; he tangles his hand in her hair and whispers the words that everyone he knows has so much trouble believing.

"I love you, Jenny."

At first, she doesn't respond. Instead, she seems frozen, as if unsure how to respond and then a smile breaks out. It's a smile that's giddy and innocent and precedes a giggle that makes him chuckle before she replies.

"I love you too, Nate."

She kisses him then. A simple kiss full of the love he knew was there but has chosen to ignore up until now.

"Nate, I'm so glad you're everything I want."

He doesn't reply to her words. Instead, he kisses her again, hinting towards the passion they'd shared earlier. As he guides her onto her back and settles himself atop her, he knows that he agrees whole heartedly with her.

---

They have their first big blowout a few weeks after that night.

He's still not sure why they argued. He thinks it has something to do with how he was acting around Vanessa but he's not too sure. He doesn't think that there's anything wrong with his behavior but wisely says nothing when he figures out that the reason she started the fight wasn't because of how he acted but _who_ he acted in front of.

He's a bit surprised when he finds out that Jenny's terrified he's going to leave her for Vanessa again and that's why she starts the argument. He's surprised because he thought she knew that when he tells her he love's her, he means it.

Still, he buys her flowers (red roses because he remembers the cliché), a box of the best chocolates New York has to offer and practices a speech he knows will placate her.

But then he gets mad when she snorts at his offerings and rolls her eyes at his speech.

He doesn't mean to yell at her and he knows she's surprised, and then upset, when he does. He really doesn't mean to drag their fight out another day or two, but he does.

He does mean it when he goes to an upscale hotel and manages to get drunker than he's ever been before. He really does mean it when he calls her to tell her he's sorry.

He doesn't, however, mean to tell her where he is and why he's there nor does it occur to him that he didn't mean to tell her that this is the first fight he's ever had with a girl that hurts him.

Even when he found out about Blair and Chuck, he tells her, it didn't hurt as much as not talking to her everyday.

As she staggers towards the elevator with him leaning on her because he's so drunk he can't walk without falling into something, he holds her tightly.

When they're safely in the elevator and heading towards the penthouse she's living in, he traps her against the wall of the elevator. It's more luck then seductive skill that he manages to catch her there but he's grateful for the wall to hold up and the tender stroke of her hand down his face.

"I'm still mad at you." She informs him before he can say anything.

He wants to point out that she can't be that mad at him if she's touching him that way but can't seem to form the words.

"Even when I'm mad at you, I still want to see you everyday."

He sees her eyes soften at his words and wonders if he was coherent. He doesn't particularly think it's a good idea for her to kiss him as she presses her lips to his but doesn't protest.

---

The day they move in together is the day he knows that everything he's ever really wanted has fallen into place.

She stands in front of him, looking out over New York with a kind of awe on her face that reminds him all over again why he's in love with the beautiful blonde and why he's been in love with her for the past six years.

He knows that they've both come a long way from when he saw her in the kitchen after their first incident, as he likes to think of it, and he knows that they still have a long way to go. After all, living with each other for a few weeks does not mean that they'll be able to handle living together on their own and without parental supervision.

Although Rufus has promised to pay unexpected visits and he knows, just knows, that Rufus' first visit is going to be the visit that interrupts more than he bargains for.

The thought makes him smile even though he knows it's possible he'll never see the light of day if Rufus does catch them in the compromising position he's thinking of.

"What are you thinking about?" Jenny turns to look at him and he's struck by the way the sunshine creates a halo as she gives him a curious look.

"Not much." He replies.

He steps over to her and catch's her waist, pulling her against him. Her arms wrap around his neck and she raises her eyebrows at his answer.

"I don't believe you, at all." She tells him before she kisses him quickly. "What were you really thinking about?" she asks before he can coax a longer, more thorough kiss out of her.

He considers being annoyed for a second before he shrugs at her question.

"I'm thinking that it's pretty cool that this," he takes his hand off her waist for a moment to encompass the new apartment filled with boxes and clothes racks and their relationship. "Is everything that I wanted instead of everything I thought I wanted."

She stares at him for a moment and he can tell that she's remembering the time in the kitchen when she said something similar to him. He waits patiently for her answer, knowing that she's remembering all the times they've said something like that and how much it meant to the other over the course of their relationship.

She smiles at him, the innocent, sweet smile that he's discovered is reserved only for him and he smiles back with what Blair mockingly calls his 'Jenny smile'. She snuggles her head on his shoulder, looping her arms around his waist and holding on.

"You're right. This is everything I wanted, not everything I thought I wanted."


End file.
